My Secret Identity

An old friend who is a serious comic book collector flattered me recently by likening me to the character Oracle. For those of you, like me, who aren’t intimately familiar with the DC universe, Oracle is the nom de guerre of Barbara Gordon, librarian, Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, and the former Batgirl.

I will pardon if you haven’t quite seen the likeness yet. And I promise I have a reason besides my own vanity for relating this.

As Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, she is shot through the spinal cord by the Joker. Paralyzed from the waist down, she is relegated to a wheelchair, and retreats from her crime-fighting past. Eventually, though, in response to her straitened physical circumstances, she emerges from the shell the wounding has put her in and turns her prodigious intellect, remarkable memory, research abilities, and knowledge of computers to a new role as an information broker, backing Batman, Nightwing (the former Robin), and the Birds of Prey and helping them succeed in fighting crime from behind the scenes.

While I feel like I’ve lost a fair number of IQ points and I’m not the hacker that Oracle is portrayed as, I do have pretty good Google-fu, a detail orientation, a gift for finding connections, a severely overdeveloped sense of justice, and a whole heck of a lot of time on my hands, being mostly bedridden. And as my energy level has improved a little in the last year, I’ve had the opportunity to help the above-mentioned friend with some computer- and web-based tasks, and that’s led me to take on some other low-stress outside projects.

Not for Batman. At least not yet. Sorry.

Next year will be my high school graduating class’s mumbly-mumpth reunion. Earlier in the summer, our class president re-activated a facebook group for us, and I asked him if I could help us start to prepare by looking people up on facebook. Barring a miracle, I won’t be able to go, of course, but I thought it would be nice to feel as if I contributed to helping others to enjoy the event.

Theatre & visual art folk at the last reunion. That’s me on the right. It’s sort of weird to me at this point to see pictures of myself well and standing up.

I’m sorry I won’t get a chance to go to the party, because I had a great time at the last one in 2003, dancing with the theatre/visual art/mod crowd to all our shared subcultures’ alterna-hits, and at one point, one of the former art types, wearing a hot pink paisley shift and big stompy boots up to her knees, yelled over a Violent Femmes song into my ear, “ALL THE PEOPLE WHO MADE FUN OF ME FOR WEARING BLACK ALL THE TIME ARE WEARING BLACK TONIGHT!”

You can’t buy irony like that.

Anyway, I’d done something like this previously, looking 120 people up for my high school theatre’s facebook page, and it wasn’t difficult – a bit tedious, but it is fun to see what people have done with their lives. Okay, yes, it’s also fun because I’m a total creeper.

So that’s what I’ve been spending a chunk of my time doing of late, kicking up the old tendinitis in my hands in the process, which has kept me away from writing here. One of the things that’s hardest about being this sick is how utterly useless it makes you feel, so I love that I’m actually accomplishing something useful – something more than posting weird links and cat videos to my old friends on facebook.

I knew off the top of my head how big my graduating class was – 580+ people (I went to what was at the time the second-largest secondary school in Virginia). When I started typing the names into the spreadsheet from the yearbook, I figured it was going to be a big task, but I guess I didn’t figure on the difference in importance I’d internalize between looking up people to invite to a facebook page that there’s no real deadline on and the higher-stakes game of  tracking people down for A Big Reunion. And this task is a little tougher, because I have fewer mutual friends to help things along than I did with the theatre crowd.

Looking at profile after profile has been interesting – and has made me feel unexpectedly wistful. I’m not the kind of person for whom high school was the high point of my life, but because I was well then and I’m sick now, I think I probably look back on it with more nostalgia than I used to. It’s easier now to look past how much I resented the regimentation we were forced into and the depression I suffered at the time and just remember all the things my former vitality made possible.

And there is something about the fact that these are the people with whom our topics of conversation and shared experiences were the milestones of adolescence, what were to that point big events in our lives: our crazy driver’s ed road instructors, how long until the date we could get our licenses, how many times to take the SATs, if and where we’d managed to land summer jobs, surviving AP classes, pulling our hair out over college applications, anticipating prom, and the great launching and subsequent diaspora that was graduation.

Now, trying to pick out my classmates from the sometimes-sea of similar names on facebook, I find that we’re still living our lives in a similar kind of sync; the signs of being same-age peers from a shared hometown are good tells. I often bet right by choosing the profile that pictures one or sometimes two beaming children’s faces below a certain age, notes a government or defense career path, or shows allegiance to a Virginia university. I’ve been struck, too, by the progress many others have made in their careers. I guess it shouldn’t be surprising, as we’re all edging into our late 30s, but people are well into leadership in a lot of cases. And:

  • The guy voted “Most Likely to Succeed” indeed has his own law practice.
  • “Most Eccentric” no longer has green hair and also works in law.
  • “Prettiest Eyes” is a newscaster, and in Googling her I discovered that there are whole websites devoted to saying offensive and degrading things about female newscasters, worse than you’d ever hear whispered behind the cover of a locker door.

Never let it be said that creeping never taught anyone anything.

Yes, I know I’m getting a biased sample – people are probably not going to crow about their non-accomplishments, unhappy relationships, and mid-life crises on facebook, but it’s a cross-section of my peers, and for me personally, one of the things that that is another reminder of a couple kinds of life progress that the disease slowed and then totally stymied. September always makes me feel a little wistful anyhow, because it’s been a transition point in my life so many times. This is just amplifying it.

But let’s not dwell on all that too long, right? I have crime to fight a spreadsheet to finish.

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113 Responses to My Secret Identity

  1. Lew W. says:

    Another clever and literary allusion-filled (albeit ala comic genre) piece. Thank you, again. Love, DoD (not dept of defense)

  2. Grace Acosta says:

    Interesting timing for me. I used to be a highly productive jewelry designer, but over the past few years my hand tremors have gotten worse and worse. It used to come and go, but now it’s pretty constant, like I’ve been drinking pots of espresso. I’ve cut out all coffee, tea and even my Adderall, but still no help.

    Does anyone else have this problem? (and do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to go back and retype this?)

    • Jocelyn says:

      Oh, Grace, that’s gotta be a heartbreaker – losing something so necessarily specific to a favored ability. I’m just a general-purpose physical failure. Have you tried out any voice-recognition software to help cut down on the typing frustration? I know it’s one of those computing problems that it’s seemed like has been just about to be mastered for at least the last 15 years or so, but maybe it’d be worth a try?

  3. susan says:

    Way to go detective
    Aunt ss

  4. Tanya Marlow says:

    Ah, the curse of Facebook and the school year book. Facebook is a place for displaying the very best of ourselves, so that people will envy us. I can totally relate to the frustration and uselessness – but it’s probably worth remembering that there will e some who look at your profile and think, ‘I wish I was as skinny as that- she’s so lucky’…

    I’ve also been feeling a little wistful and worried about the future – I think it’s the whole new academic year thing.

    • Jocelyn says:

      It’s the truth, isn’t it? I would take all the pounds back if it would be healthy again, but I’m vain enough to admit that I’d like to keep them off otherwise! Yes, September is very definitely associated with all those anticipatory feelings about the coming academic year…and being married to a prof, even though well out of college it still changes things when it rolls around. Right this minute he’s at convocation or as he puts it, “Let’s All Sing Songs on the Lawn.”

  5. Focus on what you have achieved and what you can still achieve. It’s the kind of task to relish when you’re stuck at home with nothing but an internet connection and not much energy. You can still save the world, or the reunion, one Facebook profile at a time. 🙂

  6. Tamara says:

    I’m so glad that you are able to participate in a way without feeling jealous of those that can go to the actual event.

    I have to say, I am the same as you as I enjoy looking on facebook to see what people are up to – am thinking about it even more right now as I have just been to a reunion of a trip I took while in high school.

    • Jocelyn says:

      Tamara, I’m just so glad I can contribute in any tiny way. And facebook is basically one long reunion anyway, without the travel expenses – my good friends are there, and I’ve developed some friendships with people I only peripherally knew at the time, which is really nice.

  7. So that’s what happened to Batgirl. Your post is inspirational. I hope your crime-fighting days are just beginning.

    • Jocelyn says:

      Thanks, middleagebutch! Believe it or not, this blog actually got me into crime-fighting previously, in a roundabout way – there have been a couple of online voting contests that some friends and I discovered and exposed organized cheating in, in the form of direct payments for votes. We had a vested interest, because an organization that researches our illness was getting shortchanged by the cheating. Never irritate the disabled…because we have a lot of free time! 😀

  8. Great story and writing! Thank you for posting this!

  9. Rachel says:

    Grace Acosta wrote:
    “I used to be a highly productive jewelry designer, but over the past few years my hand tremors have gotten worse and worse.”
    If you have hand tremors please check them out and because *I think* hand tremors are not part of M.E or CFIDS at all. It might be a completely different thing, separate to M.E or CFS.

    • Jocelyn says:

      Rachel, they’re not common, but I do know some ME/CFS patients have them. Linda Crowhurst comes to mind. But yes, it’s definitely worth having them investigated if they haven’t been, just to be sure it’s not something else.

  10. ¡Hola Princesa! Estoy leyendo: Grandes Esperanzas por Charles Dickens. Eres una Chica con mucha fortaleza y me gusta tu estilo de escritura.

  11. theyellowranger says:

    I’m a huge comic fan with a very referential mind, so every time I see a pretty brunette in a wheel chair I think Oracle/Barbara Gordon. No joke, I saw your picture on the right-hand side of the screen and thought of the former Bat Girl immediately. Then I saw that your post referenced her. Being compared to Barbara Gordon in any way is always a compliment.

    It’s always interesting to see where your classmates end up. I haven’t been out of school for a crazy long amount of time or anything but I’ve seen people change/grow/become complacent so much. It’s always interesting to see who people become.

    Anyway, great post and congrats on being freshly pressed!

    • Jocelyn says:

      Barbara is awesome! Though I have to admit, my main exposure to the Batman universe was my love of the totally campy 60s series, and Julie Newmar was far and away my favorite part of it. I love that particular era’s clothes, and I think I have watching too much Batman & The Monkees to blame.

      I still have several of the same close friends from the high school era, and I think they’ve just become themselves but more so. I can see how a lot of things they were then have carried forward.

      Thanks for coming by and saying hello, theyellowranger!

  12. I’ve only gone to one reunion…the 10th year one…with a girl who is now married to someone else, has three grown-up kids and gave me a two-weeks’ notice before breaking off the engagement. Have been married to one woman for 23 years, this past June 3rd (We celebrate or at least mention it every 3rd of the month.) Have kept up with a handfull of my High School classmates….but being dinged by CLASSMATES.COM everytime I visited on there kind of soured it for me. I went my own way doing my own thing…not too much in common except I still write poetry. Come see some at the blog I share: at And by the way, it is nice someone identifies you with a cartoon character…she’s almost as cute as you look:7)—!

    • Jocelyn says:

      Thanks for sharing, Jonathan. Sounds like you’re fine and happy being away from that crowd – it’s not for everybody to stay in those circles. And I think just about everybody gave up on…I know I did

  13. mclicious says:

    Great post, and congratulations on being on Freshly Pressed! I’m only entering my sixth year out of high school, and I think I still feel much like you do. But while I can’t help creeping a bit, or feeling smug about certain people and jealous of others, I prefer not to if I can exert some self control. Like you, I get generally wistful this time of year, and I’ve also noticed that hanging out with all but a couple people from my high school (my graduating class had only 44 people, so I think we’re all still sick of each other) seems to make me revert back to my 16-year-old self, and without meaning to or being conscious of it, I get angsty and bitter and mean, and I can just feel myself crawling back into my old self, and I hate it. I don’t know if my school even has official reunions, but I might prefer to help organize it and then watch from the safety of my computer, like you.

    • Jocelyn says:

      That’s not hard to understand at all, mclicious. We get used to interacting with certain people in certain ways – like having an old friend we can be out of touch with and just fall in together with like no time has passed. That’s the *good* side of it…but you’re right, sometimes we don’t like the people we turn into when we fall back into those grooves.

  14. Mr.NoGoodWriter says:

    woah! i really love this post! very interesting! thank you for sharing!

  15. Sony Fugaban says:

    Sorry to hear about your not-so-good condition fo the timebeing (I assume). Nonetheless, this blog post made me look back at the good old days really makes me nostalgic. It’s something I don’t usually like but for some reason I did like it. Your story just prompted me. The bottom line is, you wrote so well that I just wanted to congratulate you on being Freshly Pressed. Congratulations! Well deserved!!!


  16. Great post, really enjoyed reading it, thanks for sharing!

  17. kathy d. says:

    Great post, well-written, as always. And, obviously, your crime fighting days are still ahead of you. There are lots of things to do via the Internet.
    My comment on all this is it’s better to be homebound with a computer, reading wonderful blogs like this one, learning and communicating, than it was in the pre-computer days. I have to forego a lot of the higher-tech communication methods like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. It’s just overwhelming and too much work! Friends keep trying to get me on Facebook and don’t understand why I consider it work and an assignment.
    Keeping up with emails and a few blogs is enough for me. (And I read lots of crime fiction and follow some great blogs.)
    You’re doing great! And I have to say I love that photo with you in the stunning dress.

  18. I found this on freshly pressed, it is really a great article. There is just one thing missing. You need a name. Not a regular name, but a superhero name 🙂

    • Jocelyn says:

      Thanks for the kind words! Well, as far as names in the superhero universe that I could apply to myself, Catwoman would probably be the most appropriate. I have a major thing for those little purr machines. But I try not to be evil, at least most of the time.

  19. followechoes says:

    Thanks for sharing this great and inspirational post. Congrats on Freshly Pressed 😀

  20. drndark says:

    Reblogged this on drndark and commented:
    Love and kisses, sweets..

  21. LonelySoul says:

    I was in a bad mood when I started reading this but by the end of it, I was already in smiles. I like the upbeat tone of your post despite facing such challenges. May God keep your smile shining and keep you strong too. Thanks for letting us in.

  22. This was an interesting read! I really enjoyed it. You may not be Oracle, but you sure are a heroine in your own right! Congrats… 🙂

  23. Thank you for your post! Very motivating and thought-provoking as I go about my day. Fight on! 🙂 Jenny

  24. Reblogged this on misslizgooden and commented:
    Exceptional woman and exceptional story. All should read!

  25. wow – you make me want to creep facebook in a whole new way – mostly I spy on kids – it might be far more interesting to ‘peer’ into the lives of my peers. You’re a wonderful writer. I’ve been blogging about my empty nest, so much emptier at this wistful time of year.

    • Jocelyn says:

      Ha! I think there’s a real human curiosity that facebook makes it easier than ever to satisfy. Hope you discover many interesting things in the process. Thanks for visiting, tm,lm.

  26. Katherine says:

    Fantastic post! I went to a super small school, so when my reunion comes around it will be a lot different, I’m sure. But just the same, I’ll be curious to see the lives of our “superlatives”!

    • Jocelyn says:

      Much appreciated, Katherine! One thing this has definitely driven home for me is that there were plenty of people who didn’t get tons of recognition in high school who have gone on to enormous achievements.

  27. asoulwalker says:

    In my first year in college I told a girl I would call her over the summer. I never did. Years went by. I forgot her name. So I decided to try and find her. Granted, it will be almost impossible without her name and it won’t actually make up for me being a douche… but I did think of Oracle and wish she was real…

  28. Matt says:

    Congratulations on a richly deserved Freshly Pressed. I’ve spent about an hour on your blog, mostly reading about the history of your diagnosis. I bet I’m not the first to say this, but I may be able to help you feel better, at least by degrees. If you’re at all interested my email is and I’d love to hear from you. 🙂

    • Jocelyn says:

      Welcome and thank you for taking the time to read, Matt. I appreciate the offer of help. I’m actually a patient of Dr. Paul Cheney, who has been treating the illness since it emerged around him and his practice partner in Incline Village, NV in the mid-80s. He is an absolute genius (he got a PhD in physics before deciding to go to med school!) and is constantly evaluating and revising his protocol in response to patient reactions. He has helped me get some small but substantial improvement over the past three years – for the five before that, I’d been going steadily downhill. Some of what I take from him is supplements, but he also uses pharmaceuticals whenever necessary – he is not doctrinaire. Here’s a look at my protocol from last year.

  29. The Smile Scavenger says:

    This is fantastic and I love Oracle. 🙂 We could use more strong female comic characters like her making it into the mainstream.

  30. Thanks for sharing this wonderful post. God bless you. Connie

  31. madhaus7 says:

    The term “Google-fu” made my day, I must say. I really enjoyed your post and thank you for sharing with us. I try to think that there are no “bad things” but only things that happen to us. It’s easier sometimes more than others. But the truth of that theory is that some things can’t be changed and the only real control we have over our lives is our disposition throughout. Based on this post, I can tell the pain is there but you really manage to try to look on the bright side. You’re funny, thoughtful, and productive. Good luck getting your reunion together, that sounds like a tall order! I wish you all the best in the future; specifically I’d hope you could find a way to attend this reunion. It sounds like you’d be a presence that would be greatly missed there.

    • Jocelyn says:

      I can’t claim credit for Google-fu, but I love it as an expression too. As for the rest of your comment, it’s the absolute truth, madhaus7. I have it pretty bad healthwise, but on the upside, I have a happy marriage, a wonderful family and many friends, a roof over my head, enough extra money to see a specialist in my condition who has helped me get some small but genuine improvement (enough to write this blog!), and the whole wide internet to keep me busy, informed, and learning every day. Would I rather be healthy? Of course I would. But I didn’t get a choice in that, and letting it go and valuing the many things I have that others wish for is to be happy.

      • madhaus7 says:

        You sound like you have your thoughts on the important things and I’m happy to hear so. I wish you continued success and improvement. Thanks for replying!

  32. Fay says:

    I am loving the likeness between the two of you only difference is the type of information! Sorry to hear that you cannot make it to your reunion and i agree with you that it is great for you to do this as you are and deserve to be every bit a part of the event. I hope everything goes well and congratulations on your FP. I will be visiting again 😀

  33. Congratulations on being freshly pressed. Keep writing! I just finished reading “The Science of Mind,” by Ernest Holmes. I think you might find it helpful and inspiring. The power of the mind to heal is truly amazing.

  34. thespacebetween2 says:

    I like your post. Its a healthy change from the guff I read a 50year old women post how she is better person now she has more sense of style and plastic surgery…. You have a cute face! Check out my blog;

    Also its funny how too many of us these days are deprived of vitality these days, some through physical means and some through mental means, hope and the sense of having all the time in the world are quickly extinguished in this world, till we have a pill that keeps us living longer and looking younger we wont feel like we have all the time in the world to become a sucess.

    Also on another of my blogs I am going to be writting a piece about how the internet used to be a way to “expand” your horizons, make connections with people across the globe, expand and make virtual friends and how facebook et all have turned it into a way of insulating you from other culutres beyond your local town or workplace or street or learning establishment. I am not sure that is what the web was envisioned of becoming in 2000, much like humanity itself the web was far happier and content when it was a 12 year old child! Then puberty came and took it all away, it had to find relevane to companies, had to find relevance to every person rather than just existing.

    • Jocelyn says:

      I can see how the internet has narrowed down in certain ways, but as a sick person, it’s an absolute godsend in the opposite direction. I know so many, so so many sick people – we connect because we have a huge piece of identity that is tough for others to understand, and it basically turns the internet into a worldwide support group. And I couldn’t even begin to put a value on something like that for people like us who are often homebound or bedridden – we can keep up-to-date on research and treatment with very little effort. It gives us a lot of benefit.

  35. kathy d. says:

    Think of your contributions to those of us with ME/CFS, your fellow and sister sufferers. You contribute to our lives with your wonderful blog and facebook page — and your sense of humor!

  36. tomwisk says:

    An outstanding post. The people I went to school with are reclusive. Web searches, Facebook and random name searches have produced little. Great, I’m the only one looking for them. Hey, they avoided me in high school. Nothing’s changed, oh yeah, I’ve got a blog and the people who I run into are a lot nicer.

    • Jocelyn says:

      Interesting. I found that at our last reunion, fewer cliques seemed to be in effect. It was nice to chat with some people whom I think we mutually didn’t give each other the time of day in high school.

  37. tomwisk says:

    Oh yeah, you rock. Checked all the tabs and will follow.

  38. GP says:

    Reblogged this on misentopop.

  39. ronyshapira says:

    This is great! Thank you for posting 🙂

  40. I really loved reading this post, very clever – the super-hero correlation:) Awesome of you to offer to help find your old classmates in order to get the word out on the reunion. You are strong, and a definite go-getter…inspiring!

    • Jocelyn says:

      Thank you, BWS. I know so many sick people, and they all channel their previous identities into their new life in different ways – it’s like shutting off the flow of water one place – it has to come out another. So this is an example of a bit of my native stubbornness coming out – that and how I have always wanted so much to do something that makes the world a little better.

  41. TJ Johnston says:

    If I knew Most Likely to Succeed or Prettiest Eyes from my school were reunion-bound, I’d avoid them.
    Out of curiosity, what area of law does Most Eccentric work in? I’m guessing public interest or legal aid. 🙂

    • Jocelyn says:

      TJ, I can’t tell from her profile. But if lawyers had theme music for their courtroom entrance, I’d hope she’d still be rocking out to Skinny Puppy and Gwar.

  42. Mahendra says:

    Awesome post mate… good going

  43. hahaha!! awesome! i took the graphic novel as a course in university and this could definitely have been submitted as an essay 😛 on the real though, really great stuff! i’m getting more and more into comic books these days so this was a great read! xo

    • Jocelyn says:

      Thanks, lcb! I can imagine how this could be communicated in that genre as well – it’d be perfect for the concept of turning the superhero identity on its head a little bit. Wish I could draw! There are so many great comics out there on the web.

      • i’m looking to discover more comics. i read fun home, ice haven, maus, batman, etc in university. any recommendations?

        not sure if you’re into fashion or not but phillip lim is releasing a comic book to promote his fall 12 collection. it’s a project by lim, john ostrander and jan duursema (of star wars) – with a sin city/v for vendetta vibe. should be pretty cool 🙂 x

  44. 2chicgurls says:

    Great post! We’re definitely following you now 🙂
    p.s congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  45. Good DC Comics knowledge! 🙂

  46. amber lewis says:

    You made me smile. Keeping being awesome. 🙂

  47. kathy d. says:

    Catwoman is a great idea! Of course. It’s a natural fit. (There’s also Tigerwoman!)
    Yes, those little purr machines are something else. Wish I could adopt some kittens, but I became allergic to cats years ago, after having them in various households for years. I ask for anecdotes from family members with kittens; now I’m pushing for more photos and videos of them running, leaping, jumping backwards with their tails fluffed up. You know.

  48. kathy d. says:

    When I need a fix of kittens or puppies (especially Dachshunds, as my neighbor has one I adore), I go to You Tube and look at videos of them playing.

  49. Loved it! Plus I learned some more about DC Comics (I’m a European Comic Book Collector).

  50. kathy d. says:

    I just watched Maru’s channel. That cat is adorable. Thanks for the suggestion.

  51. kathy d. says:

    Do you or does anyone know about feeling faint? I had this problem all summer whenever I stood up at home, would then grab a wall and then sit down again. I was over this. Then today I went out, took a taxi, walked a few blocks, sat on someone’s sofa. Then when I stood up, I thought I’d faint, sat back down again. It could be due to the breathing problems caused by bad allergies or not. Maybe I get dehydrated easily. I don’t know. Any ideas?

    • Jocelyn says:

      Kathy, as I think I said previously, I think this is probably due to your heart not getting enough blood to where it needs to be. I know I feel faint if I stay standing up too long.

  52. kathy d. says:

    I hear you. I have trouble standing for a long time, which is why I can’t take buses in my city, as the waiting time is too long for me. But for the last 3-4 months, I feel like I’ll faint when I stand up from my bed or couch. I have to grab onto a wall or door frame, then sit down and get up again.
    Another question is arising for me, or has for quite awhile and I wonder how others with ME/CFS deal with this and it’s more serious the older we get. How does anyone take care of routine medical and dental care: Mammograms, colonoscopies, eye exams, bone density scans, dental check-ups and treatment. I haven’t been able to follow up on much of this for a long time and I wonder how others do this. I’ve scheduled mammograms twice and had to cancel as I knew I didn’t have the stamina to deal with them and stand for 10-15 minutes. Up to a few years ago I did this regularly, but haven’t been able to do so and am asking how others deal with these necessary tests.

  53. kathy d. says:

    Jocelyn, I want to agree 100% with what you said. I don’t have a state photo I.D. either, as I can’t travel around the city, stand on lines and exert the energy needed to get one. But in my state one isn’t needed to vote, but who knows what will happen?
    I’m going to email your letter to a friend in Philly who is following the voter I.D. issue, writing on it, participating in protests about it. Your letter is so good it should be seen by others.

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